the world of no

by Katharine Grubb

Before I was a mother or many, I did temp office work all over the city of Boston. Often, these jobs were dull, and I would spend my day flipping through magazines. One day I came across an article about the actor Kevin Costner. While I don’t remember the name of the magazine or the exact title of the piece, I believe it was called something like, The World of Yes.

The article was about how, as a result of Costner’s success, he was able to get away with things that he never would have been allowed to as an obscure nobody. He made it clear in the article that he enjoyed it. The author described one anecdote: Costner was at a state dinner in which Raisa Gorbechev, the Russian Prime Minister’s wife, was seated next to him. After dinner, Costner, with the full attention of Mrs. Gorbachev, reached over and ate her dessert instead of his. According to the article, Mrs. Gorbachev found it funny.

Maybe it is. But let’s step back a minute here. Kevin Costner stole the dessert of a world leader’s wife. In some circles this would have been a huge offense. Not that many years ago, this could have started a war. At my table, I would have been astonished, but because he was famous, because he lived in the world of yes, he didn’t expect to have any trouble. And he didn’t.

My point in bringing up the article is this: What kind of world do our children live in? Is it a world of yes? Or is it a world of no?

I would like to suggest that we start teaching our children, as early as we can, that their world is a world of no.

When I say “no,” I mean that we communicate early to our child, that their world is one of restriction.

We do not say no to be mean. We do not say no to stifle their character, their creativity or their childhoods. We say no to keep them safe - You may not climb on the bookshelf. We say no because we have a long-term interest in their welfare - You may not have a cookie a half hour before dinner. We say no for the betterment of the whole family - You may not have a treat every time we go to the grocery store.

Mothers of infants, start saying no now. Say it in the exact same tone and inflection every time so that your infant is familiar with that word and understands the authority behind it. As a baby learns to explore their world, say no a lot - to opening cabinet doors and pulling down books and chewing on inappropriate items. As you are baby-proofing your home, rethink each security device. Is it there to really keep them safe, or is it there so that you don’t have to be the bad guy and say no. Could you install fewer clasps and be a little more vocal with no instead?

Mothers of toddlers, it feels like “no” is all you say. Nothing is more exhausting than chasing that little ball of energy around the house and saying no. It is far, far easier to just give up and give in and say yes. But there is no other age when no is more important. Your toddler needs to hit four years old fully aware of who is in charge. If it is not his parents, then the rest of his childhood will be far more difficult.

Mothers of younger elementary kids, this is where you start seeing the payoff of no. Our children’s character is often set at age five and re-learning inner discipline and inner restriction gets even harder. For more on this, read Dare To Discipline, by Dr. James Dobson.

What I noticed with my own children is this - they don’t really get tired of no. They might whine a little and even pout from time to time, but it’s a very short-term reaction. They understand that a no from me means that I am protecting them, I have their best interest in mind and that I love them.

Proverbs 19:18 says, Discipline your children, for in that there is hope; do not be a willing party to their death. It’s a sobering thought, moms, but if we are not teaching our children, from the earliest days, how good the world of no is, then we are setting them up for future harm, future embarrassment and future failure.

And then, sometimes I get to say yes. When I do, there is delight, gratitude and joy. My children, because they have lived a life in the world of no, are humble and content around others. It is far more fun and far easier to go from a world of no to a world of yes than the other way around. This is the long-term goal for my children, that, as they go into adulthood, they have inner self-discipline and can apply it in all they do.

And if they ever sit next to a prime minister’s wife at a state dinner, and they really, really want her dessert, they will at least ask first.