What To Do When Your Toddler Says, “I Hate You!

By Katharine Grubb

One of my children said “I hate you” to my face.

I know, you thought I was the perfect mother, that I never make mistakes, that my children are so very compliant, but it did happen, and this is how I handled it.

The “I hate you!” came when he, a passionate and creative four-year-old, was being corrected. He did not like that I was correcting him and he was really, really mad. Apparently, my request that he not play in the toilet was unreasonable.

I made a simple, clear request of him, and I expected him to obey. I said, “Honey, do not ever play in the toilet. It’s dirty. Wash your hands and come out of the bathroom.”

Then I waited a few seconds to see if he obeyed me. In this case, he wasn’t even making the slightest effort to obey. Toilet water, to a four-year-old, is so appealing that he didn’t care what I said.

Then my voice changed. I was more stern, but not angry. “Honey! Get out of the bathroom right this second. I said no!”

My son looked right at me and scowled. His muscles tensed up. He sat his little bottom on the floor. He wanted to play. Okay, his violations have doubled. Not only is he still playing, but he refused to comply.

I absolutely cannot let him win this battle. He must obey me.

I immediately swatted his bottom and marched him into the kitchen where I was making dinner, and I made him sit down on the floor. “You WILL do what I tell you to do, young man!” The time out was to get him to change his mind toward me. The swat was to teach him that defiance has immediate consequences. And, while not every parent agrees with this method, we have found that corporal punishment, if used sparingly and in a controlled manner, is very effective. I told him he could get up when he was happy. He absolutely, cannot have a defiant attitude toward me.

But he did not want to get happy. He kept that little scowly face and started half-whining, half-pouting. He yelled at me, “You can’t make me! I’m not going to do that!” And then he said it. “I hate you!”

I said, “What did you say?”

I saw the hesitation in his eye, but he still wouldn’t back down. “I hate you!”

I swatted him again. And I said in a very calm voice. “You will never, ever say those words. You meant to hurt me and you are not allowed to hurt me.”

At this point he started crying.

I said, “I asked you to stay out of the toilet because it has germs. It can make you sick. I love you. I don’t want you to be sick. I’m not trying to be mean to you. I love you. I want you to be wise.”

Then he started to cry. And I did too. We hugged and kissed. He still had to talk about this to Daddy, later, but everything was fine between us.

I had no idea that the issue of playing in the toilet would grow into such a battle. But this, unfortunately, happens often with emotionally-driven young children, especially at the end of the day. But no matter what he says or does, you have to keep control and correct his behavior.

What to do if your child says “I hate you!”

I Hate You Do’s

1. Do handle This Immediately. Our very first responsibility, before cooking, cleaning or social life, is to raise respectful children. Show them how important it is by handling it promptly.

2. Do keep your language simple. When I said, “You are not allowed to hurt me,” he understood it. Every word I said to him was slow and simple. I wanted him to understand it wasn’t out of spite or meanness that he was corrected. He has someone on his side - me - who says no for a reason. Often we have our children repeat this, “You love me. You want me to be wise.” We do this so that they somehow get it, and their little wills are broken.

3. Do remove him from public. Before you say or do anything, get him out of the way of anyone who might see you correct your child. Not only is this a private matter, but we don’t know who is watching us and your swat on his fanny, which is perfectly acceptable inside your home, might not be other places.

4. Do tell your spouse about it. My husband was far more upset that my son did this than I was. He said, “YOU said this? About OUR MOMMY!?” That confrontation alone was enough to make sure he didn’t do it again. Also, you and your spouse need to have a united front when it comes to discipline issues.

5. Do think about how he might have heard these words. Do you ever say them to your spouse? If you don’t handle your anger well and say hurtful things to others, then that might be where your kid is getting it. Change your behavior so your kids have great role models.

6. Do realize that bad behavior is often the result of fatigue or low blood sugar. My kids were far, far more likely to get into trouble after 4pm than any other time of the day. But this doesn’t excuse their actions. If I felt he was tired or hungry, after I punished him, I’d give him a light snack and make him lay down until dinner.

7. Do forget this as soon as you can. Little, isolated incidents like this should go into your mental file of I can’t believe he did that. There will be many more. Many, many more.

8. Do demonstrate forgiveness. This is where the hugging comes in. Your kids need to know that when they mess up, they are safe.

I Hate You Don’ts

1. Don’t take it personally. Your child is in a moment of strong emotion. He may not even know what he is saying.

2. Don’t let him get away with it. Very calmly tell him those words are hurtful. They are not allowed. Punish him in someway that is painful (a swat, taking away a favorite toy, sitting in a corner). Make it immediate and bad enough that he’s uncomfortable.

3. Don’t let him see that it bothers you. Of course it’s upsetting to hear the person you care for say those words. It’s your baby! But be strong. Some children are looking to see you weaken, even if they don’t realize it, so that they can manipulate you in the future.

4. Don’t let it happen again. Be very clear to your child that this completely unacceptable. If they are not afraid of the consequences of saying those words, then you may have bigger issues on your hands.

I also hate to admit, that this I hate you business happened a few more times with this particular child. But because my husband and I were consistent in our reaction to him, he eventually stopped doing this. He’s seven now, and would never dream of saying such a thing.

Thank goodness!

For more information about why choose to occasionally use corporal punishment, check out child expert Dr. James Dobson's opinion on spanking.