-Karen
Enrolling Our Kids In The Jesus Mission
By Janet McMahon
A look of disappointment, frustration and surprise came over his face. Tears were his immediate response. We had just told our 13-year-old son that we were leaving the only town he had ever known, to move to another city. The days and weeks that followed this conversation were full of questions, not just by our 13 year old, but all three of our children. “Why, when, how and are you sure?” At the time we were considering this move, our kids were 16, 13, and seven. Moving kids in high school and middle school seemed less than ideal
No doubt my three kids are the number one calling of my life. To raise them to be responsible Christ followers who are finding their purpose and living fully committed to the Jesus mission, that would be my dream come true. So when the direction God seemed to be giving us made my kids unhappy, certainly I felt conflicted at my best and confused and sometimes angry at my worst. “Why would God clearly call me and my husband to move to a new city if it would make my children sad?”
As the weeks and months passed, it became increasingly clear that God was clearly directing us to move and to say “no” felt almost disobedient. What was so clear to my husband Troy and I felt like a slap in the face---to our middle son in particular. What were we to do?
I prayed, big time, probably more then I had ever prayed in my life. And as I prayed, I consulted friends, books, and others who had made these types of choices before. Over time, I began to stand on this ultimate truth: If God was clearly asking Troy and I to move to a new city, it was not only the best thing for us, but it would be the best thing for our kids. We may not know why this move is good for our kids, we may never know, but the fact remains that God’s plans for us are for our benefit. Jeremiah says it this way: “For I know the plans I have for you.” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11
So, in spite of our children’s reservations, we decided to jump in fully and lead our children strongly through the process.
There were a lot of things along the way that helped our kids join the journey, but the following three things stick out to me as being a significant part of helping our kids not only accept the plan that God had laid out, but perhaps even grow in their faith as a result. These things were: responsibility, relationship and repetition.
We gave our kids responsibility for some of the decisions. We picked the area we were going to move to and we asked them to pick the school. There were two high schools in the district. We set up meetings at each school and we went as a whole family to visit. They had to pick which high school of the two they wanted to attend. They all agreed on one of the two high schools, and so we narrowed our house search to the boundaries of that high school. We didn’t know this at the time, but not only did they pick the high school they would attend, but that high school is the space where our new church would be meeting.
We also told our kids that if God asked us to move to a new city, then He had something in mind for each of them to do. They each had to pick a responsibility at Church. Once they identified their responsibility, they had to carry it out; everyone in the family was required to contribute in an area of their choosing. Our oldest son played the keyboard in the worship band, our middle son ran the sound board for our kids’ large group worship time, our youngest daughter learned the kids worship songs and began over time to lead the kids worship time. In church, our kids were not required to do everything, just one thing. One area of serving is a requirement, any more than that was a choice.
Although responsibility and serving was not a choice, that does not mean that they couldn’t share their feelings, their grief, their sadness and their frustration about all that they were going through. I believe that feelings are worth sharing, and feelings cannot be right or wrong. So this is where the relationship came in.
We chose to work on our relationship with our kids by giving them meaningful conversation everyday, peppered with a lot of questions, often to their frustration. There were days when I knew my kids were grieving the loss of “home.” I went in their room and made them talk to me. At times they were hiding their heads under a pillow, grunting and pushing me away, but I waited. I said things like, “I know you hurt, and if you don’t get it out by talking, it will come out in other ways, and those other ways suck! So talk!” Eventually, not every time, they talked, and cried. I cried many tears that first year with my children as we all openly grieved the loss of “home.”
Then there was the repetition. I found myself repeating two things in order to continue to confidently lead my kids in the direction of the mission God had called us to. The first thing I said over and over to the kids and to myself was, “sometimes the right thing and the hard thing are the same thing.” They didn’t always like that saying, but have come to recognize it as true. The second thing I repeated, mostly in my own head was, “this is not about their happiness, but their holiness.” God is not as interested in my kids being happy as He is in them being holy. And sometimes we must forego what makes us temporarily happy in order to pursue a life of holiness and obedience to God’s calling.
I believe that being parents who put following God as a number one priority in our lives---even when to do so causes temporary unhappiness to our children---is the greatest gift we can give our children. Our children Jake, now 21, Mitch now 18, and Judiann, now 12, have adjusted quite well. Jake is a junior in college pursuing a career in ministry. The other two are home and still serving at the local church (sometimes even by choice). Just last night I asked our middle son, “do you think our family is where we are supposed to be, doing what we are supposed to be doing?” He smiled, made a joke as he always does, and then said in all seriousness, “yes.”
Enrolling Our Kids In The Jesus Mission
By Janet McMahon
A look of disappointment, frustration and surprise came over his face. Tears were his immediate response. We had just told our 13-year-old son that we were leaving the only town he had ever known, to move to another city. The days and weeks that followed this conversation were full of questions, not just by our 13 year old, but all three of our children. “Why, when, how and are you sure?” At the time we were considering this move, our kids were 16, 13, and seven. Moving kids in high school and middle school seemed less than ideal
No doubt my three kids are the number one calling of my life. To raise them to be responsible Christ followers who are finding their purpose and living fully committed to the Jesus mission, that would be my dream come true. So when the direction God seemed to be giving us made my kids unhappy, certainly I felt conflicted at my best and confused and sometimes angry at my worst. “Why would God clearly call me and my husband to move to a new city if it would make my children sad?”
As the weeks and months passed, it became increasingly clear that God was clearly directing us to move and to say “no” felt almost disobedient. What was so clear to my husband Troy and I felt like a slap in the face---to our middle son in particular. What were we to do?
I prayed, big time, probably more then I had ever prayed in my life. And as I prayed, I consulted friends, books, and others who had made these types of choices before. Over time, I began to stand on this ultimate truth: If God was clearly asking Troy and I to move to a new city, it was not only the best thing for us, but it would be the best thing for our kids. We may not know why this move is good for our kids, we may never know, but the fact remains that God’s plans for us are for our benefit. Jeremiah says it this way: “For I know the plans I have for you.” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11
So, in spite of our children’s reservations, we decided to jump in fully and lead our children strongly through the process.
There were a lot of things along the way that helped our kids join the journey, but the following three things stick out to me as being a significant part of helping our kids not only accept the plan that God had laid out, but perhaps even grow in their faith as a result. These things were: responsibility, relationship and repetition.
We gave our kids responsibility for some of the decisions. We picked the area we were going to move to and we asked them to pick the school. There were two high schools in the district. We set up meetings at each school and we went as a whole family to visit. They had to pick which high school of the two they wanted to attend. They all agreed on one of the two high schools, and so we narrowed our house search to the boundaries of that high school. We didn’t know this at the time, but not only did they pick the high school they would attend, but that high school is the space where our new church would be meeting.
We also told our kids that if God asked us to move to a new city, then He had something in mind for each of them to do. They each had to pick a responsibility at Church. Once they identified their responsibility, they had to carry it out; everyone in the family was required to contribute in an area of their choosing. Our oldest son played the keyboard in the worship band, our middle son ran the sound board for our kids’ large group worship time, our youngest daughter learned the kids worship songs and began over time to lead the kids worship time. In church, our kids were not required to do everything, just one thing. One area of serving is a requirement, any more than that was a choice.
Although responsibility and serving was not a choice, that does not mean that they couldn’t share their feelings, their grief, their sadness and their frustration about all that they were going through. I believe that feelings are worth sharing, and feelings cannot be right or wrong. So this is where the relationship came in.
We chose to work on our relationship with our kids by giving them meaningful conversation everyday, peppered with a lot of questions, often to their frustration. There were days when I knew my kids were grieving the loss of “home.” I went in their room and made them talk to me. At times they were hiding their heads under a pillow, grunting and pushing me away, but I waited. I said things like, “I know you hurt, and if you don’t get it out by talking, it will come out in other ways, and those other ways suck! So talk!” Eventually, not every time, they talked, and cried. I cried many tears that first year with my children as we all openly grieved the loss of “home.”
Then there was the repetition. I found myself repeating two things in order to continue to confidently lead my kids in the direction of the mission God had called us to. The first thing I said over and over to the kids and to myself was, “sometimes the right thing and the hard thing are the same thing.” They didn’t always like that saying, but have come to recognize it as true. The second thing I repeated, mostly in my own head was, “this is not about their happiness, but their holiness.” God is not as interested in my kids being happy as He is in them being holy. And sometimes we must forego what makes us temporarily happy in order to pursue a life of holiness and obedience to God’s calling.
I believe that being parents who put following God as a number one priority in our lives---even when to do so causes temporary unhappiness to our children---is the greatest gift we can give our children. Our children Jake, now 21, Mitch now 18, and Judiann, now 12, have adjusted quite well. Jake is a junior in college pursuing a career in ministry. The other two are home and still serving at the local church (sometimes even by choice). Just last night I asked our middle son, “do you think our family is where we are supposed to be, doing what we are supposed to be doing?” He smiled, made a joke as he always does, and then said in all seriousness, “yes.”
Janet McMahon graduated from the University of Kansas with a degree in social work. After working in mental health and adoption, Janet joined the staff of Community Christian Church in Naperville, IL in 1995 where she worked in Children’s Ministry, Support and Recovery and Small Groups. In 2007, Janet relocated to Kansas City where she helped start Restore Community Church. Janet is currently the Community Life Director at Restore providing vision and direction for small groups. Janet and her husband Troy have three children, Jake (21), Mitch (18) and Judiann (12).
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