meet: tim & stephanie hawkins

By Tim and Stephanie Hawkins & Karen Brown

I am honored to have a guest post today by Tim & Stephanie Hawkins.  Tim and Stephanie moved to Boston 6 years to start Sojourn Collegiate Ministry the same time our family moved here to launch REUNION.  We have had the priviledge of watching them parent their 4 kids as well as nurture and disciple dozens and dozens of students...both young children and young adults.  Tim is the Director of Sojourn Collegiate Ministry and Stephanie is a preschool teacher at Park Street Kids in downtown Boston.  Tim and Stephanie are one of those couples that you just want to sit down with over coffee and pick their brains about their philosphy on parenting and child rearing.  I asked them recently to give us some insight on what shapes their parenting style and some "best practices" that have worked in their family.

We do not compromise our values when we say that the child is more important than his conduct. Rather we affirm them at their deepest level. We dig down to bedrock and declare what is true. - Hold On To Your Kids, Gordon Neufeld & Gabor Mate

We were 25 when our first child was born and, over the following six years, we added three more to the clan.  We did not start out with a particular philosophy or guiding vision of raising our kids except the constant prayer, “God, please keep us from screwing this up.”  

It is still our prayer.  And confession.

Though we wouldn’t have defined our parenting philosophy this way, it is a particular phrase in Neufeld and Mate’s book, Hold On to Your Kids, that has helped articulate what we value as a family: 

To compensate for the cultural chaos of our times, we need to make a habit of collecting our children daily and repeatedly until they are old enough to function as independent beings.

We have come to realize that much of what we value as parents are rhythms and practices that help us collect our kids.  And these are a reminder to dig beyond conduct, and affirm them at their deepest level, which for us is how God is shaping them for His Kingdom mission.

These are our favorite collecting places:

Books –Books give us a common language to talk about redemptive themes and the Kingdom of God.  We read a wide variety of books that broaden our perspective on the world and what God is doing in it.  Most recently we have been reading, Same Kind of Different as Me, by Ron Hall and Denver Moore.

Allowance - We give our kids allowance every two weeks and let them spend it any way they want (as long as it’s legal), including planning ahead for gifts.  Beyond lessons about responsibility, allowance gives us a chance to talk about values and choices.  Our kids have become great gift givers to one another. 

Hospitality – Involving our kids in the preparations and responsibilities for hosting gives them more joy in the relationships they are building.

Travel – Mostly this is about having shared memories and stories to tell.  “Remember when we…”  

Prayer – Not just in the act of praying, but also talking (even just one-on-one) about how God is forming us as individuals through our prayer.  It also allows prayer to bring God into the everyday, as we encounter disappointment, fear, worry, sadness, joy. Prayer is not just a matter of asking God for things, but models formation.  

Storytelling – This happens daily in some way through something as simple as, “So do you want to know what happened to me today?”  Over the years the stories have gotten more entertaining.  Shared laughter strengthens the family bond (it’s the inside joke phenomenon). 

Traditions – Although many of our traditions are associated with holidays, some are as simple as Ebelskiver Saturdays or watching a specific TV show together.  Our traditions are the hands-on application of our family values.

Eating Out – We don’t do this everyday, but about once a week we break from the norm, free ourselves from the preparation and cleaning-up, to have significant time at the table together with nowhere to go and nothing to keep us busy except talking to one another.

Debriefing – Maybe one of the best pieces of advice we received from parents we respected was to, “Debrief everyday.”  When we’re going 6 different directions during the day, it’s important to come re-center at the end of the day.

Thank you Tim & Stephanie for sharing your wisdom and insight!  Parenting is the hardest job there is and you do it with such thoughtfulness,  patience, and grace.