What To Do When Your Toddler Says, “I Hate You!

By Katharine Grubb

One of my children said “I hate you” to my face.

I know, you thought I was the perfect mother, that I never make mistakes, that my children are so very compliant, but it did happen, and this is how I handled it.

The “I hate you!” came when he, a passionate and creative four-year-old, was being corrected. He did not like that I was correcting him and he was really, really mad. Apparently, my request that he not play in the toilet was unreasonable.

I made a simple, clear request of him, and I expected him to obey. I said, “Honey, do not ever play in the toilet. It’s dirty. Wash your hands and come out of the bathroom.”

Then I waited a few seconds to see if he obeyed me. In this case, he wasn’t even making the slightest effort to obey. Toilet water, to a four-year-old, is so appealing that he didn’t care what I said.

Then my voice changed. I was more stern, but not angry. “Honey! Get out of the bathroom right this second. I said no!”

My son looked right at me and scowled. His muscles tensed up. He sat his little bottom on the floor. He wanted to play. Okay, his violations have doubled. Not only is he still playing, but he refused to comply.

I absolutely cannot let him win this battle. He must obey me.

I immediately swatted his bottom and marched him into the kitchen where I was making dinner, and I made him sit down on the floor. “You WILL do what I tell you to do, young man!” The time out was to get him to change his mind toward me. The swat was to teach him that defiance has immediate consequences. And, while not every parent agrees with this method, we have found that corporal punishment, if used sparingly and in a controlled manner, is very effective. I told him he could get up when he was happy. He absolutely, cannot have a defiant attitude toward me.

But he did not want to get happy. He kept that little scowly face and started half-whining, half-pouting. He yelled at me, “You can’t make me! I’m not going to do that!” And then he said it. “I hate you!”

I said, “What did you say?”

I saw the hesitation in his eye, but he still wouldn’t back down. “I hate you!”

I swatted him again. And I said in a very calm voice. “You will never, ever say those words. You meant to hurt me and you are not allowed to hurt me.”

At this point he started crying.

I said, “I asked you to stay out of the toilet because it has germs. It can make you sick. I love you. I don’t want you to be sick. I’m not trying to be mean to you. I love you. I want you to be wise.”

Then he started to cry. And I did too. We hugged and kissed. He still had to talk about this to Daddy, later, but everything was fine between us.

I had no idea that the issue of playing in the toilet would grow into such a battle. But this, unfortunately, happens often with emotionally-driven young children, especially at the end of the day. But no matter what he says or does, you have to keep control and correct his behavior.

What to do if your child says “I hate you!”

I Hate You Do’s

1. Do handle This Immediately. Our very first responsibility, before cooking, cleaning or social life, is to raise respectful children. Show them how important it is by handling it promptly.

2. Do keep your language simple. When I said, “You are not allowed to hurt me,” he understood it. Every word I said to him was slow and simple. I wanted him to understand it wasn’t out of spite or meanness that he was corrected. He has someone on his side - me - who says no for a reason. Often we have our children repeat this, “You love me. You want me to be wise.” We do this so that they somehow get it, and their little wills are broken.

3. Do remove him from public. Before you say or do anything, get him out of the way of anyone who might see you correct your child. Not only is this a private matter, but we don’t know who is watching us and your swat on his fanny, which is perfectly acceptable inside your home, might not be other places.

4. Do tell your spouse about it. My husband was far more upset that my son did this than I was. He said, “YOU said this? About OUR MOMMY!?” That confrontation alone was enough to make sure he didn’t do it again. Also, you and your spouse need to have a united front when it comes to discipline issues.

5. Do think about how he might have heard these words. Do you ever say them to your spouse? If you don’t handle your anger well and say hurtful things to others, then that might be where your kid is getting it. Change your behavior so your kids have great role models.

6. Do realize that bad behavior is often the result of fatigue or low blood sugar. My kids were far, far more likely to get into trouble after 4pm than any other time of the day. But this doesn’t excuse their actions. If I felt he was tired or hungry, after I punished him, I’d give him a light snack and make him lay down until dinner.

7. Do forget this as soon as you can. Little, isolated incidents like this should go into your mental file of I can’t believe he did that. There will be many more. Many, many more.

8. Do demonstrate forgiveness. This is where the hugging comes in. Your kids need to know that when they mess up, they are safe.

I Hate You Don’ts

1. Don’t take it personally. Your child is in a moment of strong emotion. He may not even know what he is saying.

2. Don’t let him get away with it. Very calmly tell him those words are hurtful. They are not allowed. Punish him in someway that is painful (a swat, taking away a favorite toy, sitting in a corner). Make it immediate and bad enough that he’s uncomfortable.

3. Don’t let him see that it bothers you. Of course it’s upsetting to hear the person you care for say those words. It’s your baby! But be strong. Some children are looking to see you weaken, even if they don’t realize it, so that they can manipulate you in the future.

4. Don’t let it happen again. Be very clear to your child that this completely unacceptable. If they are not afraid of the consequences of saying those words, then you may have bigger issues on your hands.

I also hate to admit, that this I hate you business happened a few more times with this particular child. But because my husband and I were consistent in our reaction to him, he eventually stopped doing this. He’s seven now, and would never dream of saying such a thing.

Thank goodness!

For more information about why choose to occasionally use corporal punishment, check out child expert Dr. James Dobson's opinion on spanking.

channeling your inner Mary Poppins: motivating toddlers, part 3

By Katharine Grubb

There was once a time in our lives that we ate like civilized people. We sat in chairs around a table, ate all the food of our plate with utensils, wiped our hands and faces with napkins and enjoyed conversation.

Then we had toddlers.

After the third spilled glass of milk, it is very hard to believe that meal time can be enjoyable, that your child will sit in his seat, eat his food, and refrain from sticking green beans up his nose. But I believe it can be done. A child can be trained to behave using games.

This is the third of a three part series on motivating toddlers. In the first article, I discussed why games are so effective. The second article explained how games can motivate toddlers to pick up their toys. But this article, the last in the series, is about eating.

I believe that family mealtime, whether you like it or not, is a rehearsal for public life. What is permitted at home will most certainly embarrass a parent at a fancy restaurant. A wise parent will train their child to show self-control, eat their food and be respectful, so that when you do eat in public, little Junior will know what to do.

You can teach him what to do through games.

Make a plan. You and your spouse need to agree what the accepted standards are at mealtime and stick to them. Must he sit in his chair throughout the meal? Must he eat all his food? Is throwing mashed potatoes frowned upon? Decide, as a team, in advance, and then stick to your rules at every meal.

Once you’re at the table, then it’s time to use the secret weapons I mentioned earlier in the series:

• Enthusiasm: A toddler will get excited about the things you get excited about. If you consistently make a big deal out of sitting like a big girl and using a fork, she will think it’s a big deal and want to please you.

• Healthy Competition: This speaks to the competitive nature of your children, especially boys. If they know they will “win” because of good behavior, they are more likely to chew with their mouth closed.

• Cheerfulness: I am shocked at how much my emotional tone sets the tone for the whole household. If I am cheerful in anything I do, my kids are more likely to be cheerful too.
With these three secret weapons, and a good game to play, you can get your kids to be little angels at mealtime.

Let’s play a game!

1. Race to 5. Of course when I sit at the table, my plan is to eat my dinner. I finish way before my children do. I had one girl on one side of me, the other girl on the other side and my fists in the air. If Ariel took a bite, one finger on her side went up. If Miranda took a bite, one finger went up for her. Which girl could get to five bites first? After the race, I close up my fingers and start all over again until the plates are clean. I was shocked at how quickly they learned to count to five. This will not work with more than two children. I’ve tried it.

2. Make up a reward song. “Brave, strong Corbin, he loves to eat his salad!”

3. Animal noises. They take a bite, (or two) and you do something silly like howl. Yes, it is undignified, but oh, Mommy, it is magical.

4. Mealtime Olympics. This is similar to the other Olympic games, mentioned in part two, but in these games we have specific events: the milk event, the meat event, the potatoes event and the vegetables event. Whoever finishes their event first gets the gold. Don’t forget your invisible medals!

5. Tell A Story. The most successful, most repeated story I ever told was about the vegetable amusement park and how all the little peas and carrots wanted to be lifted up into the fork and put into the dark cave and slide fast, fast, fast down the slide into Ariel’s tummy!

6. Don’t Tell A Story, Read One. But there’s a catch: You only read a sentence or two. If they want to hear more, they have to eat three bites.

But you are the most creative teacher your child has. If you have other methods, use them. Use them when you feel like making animals noises, and use them even when you don’t. The purpose, of course, is that someday, they’ll be trained to pick up after themselves and to eat like a civilized person.

And just think how easy life will be after that!

5 tips for raising children you like

By Karen Brown 

Today I am thrilled to introduce you to Edie from Life {in} Grace.  I first found her blog a couple years ago an instantly fell in love.  She is a wife, former physician turned stay home mom, homeschooler, creative genius and dedicated Christ-follower.  Her passion and pursuit of Jesus is absolutely contagious!  I am inspired by her transparency and vulnerability. 

She was a guest blogger here recently and her post on Christian parenting was challenging, motivating and encouraging.  You’ll love her pearls of wisdom! She has graciously agreed to let us repost the article here.  Thanks Edie!

Edie & family

We all love our kids. That’s a given.

But have you ever asked yourself whether or not you like them?

Are they generally likable pleasant human beings?

Can you spend a whole day or week or month with them and really like who they are becoming as people?

Summertime often is the pressure cooker that brings out all our imperfections and it’s a great time to be intentional with our kids.

One of the things I’ve learned since I quit working to stay home is that the more I’m with them the less tolerant I am of their bad behavior. When you spend long stretches of time with your children, you begin to require of them that they be decent people, who are pleasurable to be around. Most of us can tolerate bratty spoiled kids for about an hour. It’s hard to be around them for much longer than that. I think that as a society we are raising a generation of kids who are lazy, sarcastic and demanding and have a tremendous sense of entitlement. And it’s our fault. We have the best intentions. We want them to have the best of everything, we’re worried about their self-esteem. But in an effort to give them what we never had, we seem to have lost the courage to say no. I’ve been as guilty as the next guy and I want to recognize my errant ways and make the necessary changes while there’s still time.

Here are five little tips that come to mind:

1.) Repent- I think we must first start with the premise that we are all sinful, selfish people who are in need of grace and forgiveness.  Our most grievous sins are often against the little neighbors that we live with everyday.  We must teach them by example to live in repentance.  I think it's important to say the words, "Will you forgive me?" and "Yes, I forgive you."  We live in forgiveness or we live in broken relationships and we must lead by example.

2.) Resist- the temptation to over-indulge. Famous child psychologists have said that over indulgent parenting is worse than neglect for children. And often, we are really indulging ourselves and we are not doing our kids any favors. In the end, we are making it impossible for them to be content with the things in life that matter. It’s okay to say no and it’ s a word that doesn’t come easy for me. But I’m getting better. And it’s teaches them to say ‘no’ to themselves which is a hard lesson for all of us.

3.) Read, Read, Read- I find that there’s no better way to inspire them toward right thoughts and actions than with the heros and heroines of good books. After reading hundreds of books together with my girls, I am convinced that those books are changing us all. They see in books examples of bad behavior that they want to avoid. I don’t even have to point out the selfish, whiny, bratty characters because they can spot them a mile away. They recognize the traits easily and don’t like seeing them in others and can often see similarities in themselves that they’d like to change.

And there’s nothing like a courageous, honest, pleasant character that you’ve grown to love in a book to inspire you to be the same. Choose wholesome, classic books and watch your children imitate the good they see in others. It sure makes the job of teaching and discipline easier and more pleasant.

4.) Require- much. Children tend to rise to your expectations—-so raise the bar higher. They are capable of far more than we think and we’ve let our society of peer-driven child rearing dumb us down. Just read a book from a hundred years ago and see how the children were expected to behave. Ten year olds back then were treated nearly as adults and expected to behave as such. We tolerate such poor behavior in kids sometimes and give all manner of excuses as to why little Susie acts the way she does. Little Susie acts that way because we are too busy and have let down our guard. We must do the courageous thing and stand up tall and be parents. Parents that teach our kids how we want them to act. My favorite little trick is to give the girls a pep talk on the way to various activities to tell them exactly what I expect of them.

“When you go into dance today, I want you to make it a point to talk to everyone and be nice to all your friends, not just your favorite one. Ask the other girls if they’d like to sit with you too. Look for someone who’s lonely and try to make a friend. Use a kind welcoming voice and don’t be sarcastic or harsh.”

“When we first arrive at the party, look Ms. SoandSo in the eyes and tell her thank you for inviting you.”

“When it’s time to leave from Johnny’s house, I don’t want to have to tell you repeatedly that it’s time to go. No whining or asking if you can play 5 more minutes. No asking him to our house. Just say yes ma’am and get your stuff and say thank you for having me. Okay? Are we all clear?"

It’s amazes me everytime that when I make the expectations clear, they almost always follow the rules.

5.) Redeem- the time. They often spend so much time with their peers that they’re not even sure what mature, virtuous behavior looks like. They need you to model it for them. Even though we homeschool, I can tell in my girls’ behavior if they’ve been with peers too much. They’re more sarcastic and shorter tempered with each other. Usually, it takes a few hours of time at home to play or read and it resets their attitudes. I think we highly overvalue childrens’ need to spend time with peers while undervaluing what they gain when they are able to spend long stretches of time with parents and family. This subtle shift in priorities may have a devastating impact on kids. Kids need to be loved and to be understood and no one can do that for them like their parents. If you have kids who are emotional and acting out, it can usually be remedied by time with you. I think we easily forget what pressure it is to try to fit in and do and say and wear the right things in order to be accepted by peers. They’re stressed out and we would be too. Take the pressure off and limit their peer time in favor of time with the family.

We often hear that a small amount of quality time is better for kids than quantity. I read recently, and forgive me that I can’t remember where, that our kids are starving to death on tiny morsels of filet mignon.

They do need large quantities of time from us. And then everyone wins because they get what they need and we, in turn, get kids that we like as well as love.

p.s. Let me let you in on a little secret in case you wondering. I don’t always like mine either, which motivates me even more to do the hard work of repenting, resisting, reading, requiring and redeeming! We’re all in this together. Summer is a great time to be intentional with your parenting. I wish you much joy in the sacred task!

Saying Sorry

By Julie Wilson

If you are like me, you will be on vacation this summer, and around extended family. My sisters all live in Illinois with their families, and we only get to see them a couple times a year. The cousins all get along really well, but kids being kids, there tends to be an occasional argument or fight. There happened to be an argument this morning between my niece and nephew over a toy. They both wanted to play with it at the same time, so one pushed the other, and the other started crying.

When my own children get into an argument with one another, and are angry, they usually do not want to be around the one they are mad at. But, my husband and I have always made the kids say sorry and apologize to one another for the fight. We try to get them both to calm down, take a deep breath, and realize what they did wrong in the situation. Then we have them not only say they are sorry, but ask for forgiveness. Just saying sorry did not seem like enough. We want our children to realize that they need to not only ask for forgiveness, but then also extend forgiveness to the one that hurt them.

Kids of course can be very stubborn, and may not want to say they are sorry, or offer forgiveness because they feel truly hurt by the other one. But if you stay consistent, and patiently wait, they will learn that this is the process by which they need to solve their disputes in a healthy, God-honoring way. 

We also have the two who are in the argument kiss and hug one another. We are a very affectionate family, so this seems to work well for us. It usually helps soothe the hurt feelings or the pain. Today, my nephew was being stubborn, as any five-year-old can be, but we patiently waited for him to say he was sorry and calm down, so he could hug his cousin and make things right between them. If you establish these guidelines early on with your children, they will learn about forgiveness in a way that will only help them in their relationships later on in life.

Too Small To Ignore

By Anna Hamman 

One of my favorite books is Too Small To Ignore: Why the Least of These Matters Most, by Wes Stafford, the president and CEO of Compassion International.

Too Small to Ignore is a book that has challenged my perspective about children and poverty. It helped me see how God values children not just for who they will be as adults but for who they are now, and how it is our responsibility to care for them too. Because of Stafford’s unique upbringing in a remote community in Africa, he brings a fresh perspective from someone who has lived and worked in both third world and Western settings. Here is a quote I really love:

“When the wealthy and the poor get together, each ends up meeting the desperate needs of the other. Too often Satan achieves his wicked agenda by keeping them apart---geographically and philosophically. The result is that one tends to die in need and the other in greed. But when Jesus brings us together, the genuine needs of both are mysteriously and wonderfully satisfied. In God’s amazing economy, the rich and the poor need each other, the common message being, ‘Enough really is… enough’”

I really recommend this book for those who care for children. It offers a fresh perspective on how important children are in God’s equation but also a challenge on how we value those who have less than we do and how we can pass this perspective to our own children. In this book, Stafford shares his own experiences of growing up in an African village and also his perspective from working with children and families through Compassion International around the world. 

Compassion International is a Christian organization that helps people sponsor children and teenagers and their families in third world countries. My husband and I have sponsored and written letters to two children through Compassion for a few years now and we were privileged to go and visit them and their families with compassion staff in rural Uganda a few years back.

We were really impressed by how sponsorship through Compassion benefits a whole community and were so touched by how overwhelmingly grateful our sponsor children and their families were for the relatively small amount we sacrifice each month to sponsor them. It was a humbling experience to realize how such a small sacrifice each month from us could really make a huge difference when channeled in the right way. We were also touched when they brought out every letter and photo we had ever sent them and shared how much they loved getting them.

I do not write this in any way to glorify us, because I feel this is a small act on our part. I just want to emphasize that child sponsorship is just one of those things that seems so right in this world. It is around $40 dollars a month to sponsor a child and sometimes that can seem like a stretch, but when you see how grateful the children, their families and the community who benefit from sponsorship are, it seems well worth it. Really when you think about it, $40 for us is just a few meals out that we could save by eating at home a little more. In a third world setting, this money goes a long way. Many of you may already sponsor a child or give in other ways but if you are interested in finding more about it, I highly recommend it.